What NOT to Say....

I spent some time today looking online for things you shouldn't say to Military Spouses when their soldier is serving abroad. Many people would never know, but I actually get offended when many of these questions are asked. I shared with my co-worker recently the following things after attending a Military Ministry Partnership meeting together.

1. Don't ask me how I am. I'll let you know.
2. If I seem distant and quiet, just let me be alone.
3. If I need to talk about the deployment, I will. When I'm ready.
4. If my office door is closed, don't knock. More than likely I want to be alone.
5. Sometimes my brain will be in lala land, just leave me there. I'll come back!
6. Don't worry about me. This isn't my first go-round. I'll be fine.

I'm sharing these things with you now as a general list of No, No's! I've collected them from several other military bloggy wives!

1. “Aren’t you afraid that he’ll be killed?”
Yes, everyday I am afraid. There is not a day that it doesn't cross my mind.

2. “I don’t know how you manage. I don’t think I could do it.”
If you don't think you could do it DON'T. My husband and I made the decision together to be a military family. We knew that the army life for us meant being apart more than being together. I didn't ask for your opinion...SORRY!

3. “At least he’s not in Iraq.”
War is over in Iraq my friend but it's still going on in other places and out of choices A. B. and C. he's probably in one of three.

4. “Do you think he’ll get to come home for Christmas/anniversary/birthday/birth of a child/wedding/family reunion, etc?”
Don’t you watch the news? No! They don’t get to come home for any of these things. Please don’t ask again.

5. “What are you going to do to keep yourself busy while he’s gone?”
Life goes on. I have 2 children. I work part time. I attend school 9 hours a week. I am going to be teaching 3 hours a week of dance/jazzercise classes. I volunteer at my son's elementary school 3-5 hours a week. I don't have to worry about being busy!

6. “How much longer does he have until he can get out?”
We'll my husband is a career Military Man. We just need to get through the next 12 months! It's all or nothing for our family.

7. “This deployment shouldn’t be so bad, now that you’re used to it.”
We do learn how to cope. We figure out ways to make life smooth and consistent. You never get used to your spouse being at war. The worry NEVER goes away. 500 minutes of every day are spent thinking about your spouse, talking to your spouse (if POSSIBLE), writing letters/emails to your spouse, praying for your spouse, talking to your children about your spouse. It is what it is...but easy is an understatement.

8. “My husband had to go to Europe for business once for three weeks. I totally know what you’re going through.”
No, really you don't. Your husband was gone for 3 weeks, Flying First Class, eating 3 hot meals a day, taking a shower in an actual bathroom and sleeping in a queen sized bed. My husband flew on a military flight that was jammed packed with soldiers,will be gone for 12 or 14 months, is sleeping on a twin sized cot or in a "coffin",taking a shower in a make shift bathroom where 20 other guys are showering as well, and is doing his best to get in 3 meals (in between sleeping, working 14 hour days and trying to stay sane.)

9. “Wow you must miss him?”
Well of course I do but your reminders are not necessary!

10. “Where is he exactly? Where is that?”
Well my husband is serving abroad. Unfortunately due to OPSEC or Operation Security I am unable to share that information with you. I want to protect my family and my huband.

11. “Well, he signed up for it, so it’s his own fault whatever happens over there.
Yes, he did sign up all on his own. Do you hear him complaining? NOPE! He knew what he was signing up for when he signed the papers almost 7 years ago.

12. “Don’t you miss sex! I couldn’t do it!”
Military spouses learn quickly that our relationships must be founded on something greater than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things. The hard truth is, most relationships probably couldn’t withstand 12 months of sex deprivation.)

13. “Well in my opinion…..”
Really, your opinion matters but please keep it to yourself.

14. “OH, that’s horrible…I’m so sorry!”
No need to be sorry he's doing his job!


If you want to say anything at all the safest thing would be nothing at all OR "Thank You", "I'm praying for you", "What can I do to lighten your load?". Simple is good but often times silence is better!