Saturday, July 28, 2012

Here Comes the Rain

You know they say after the storm comes the rain.

Last night I poured myself out over the scriptures and in words and in prayer and man it felt good.

I wrote a blog that took several hours. It felt good to get it all out. I worried I would offend someone. God reminded me...It was my heart.

I worried my husband when he read it this morning.

I explained myself as best I could. Thankfully he understood.

I think God was preparing me for today. In all of its craziness. He knew I needed to be refreshed.

I woke up at 9:15 a.m. in a complete tizzy. Why had I slept so long and where were my children. Not in bed. I found them both on the couch, watching toonies and eating ice-pops. I wonder how long they had been up and why they had not woken me up. I guess they knew mom needed a small break. They were safe and sound and I guess that's all that really matters.

I worked at the church from 11 a.m. to 9:45 p.m. tonight. I cleaned and organized until 4 and then I worked as part of a team providing respite care to families of children with disabilities and their siblings. It  wears me out but it is so rewarding to be there and to give the parents a break. Big Boy made a new friend at BreakTime. A 6 year old little fella who is considered high functioning Autistic. He and Big Boy hit it off right away. Big Boy not once asked why his new friend was different.They played Legos and Superheros and just did boy things for hours. Made my heart so happy. We will be seeing our new friend soon for a play date. I am so thankful that my Big Boy has learned so young to love others just the way they are. Proud Momma!

I got news today that the wife of one of my best friends has asked for a divorce after only 6 months of marriage. My friend loves her wife with her whole heart but her wife doesn't feel the same...I guess. It's a LONG story. My heart is just broken. I am not close enough to hold her hand and walk her through and that bothers me. I asked her to come stay a while with the boys and I and sooooo...... she is flying here for about 3 weeks to let things cool off and figure out what the next steps will be. I of course will pray her thru the best I can but I am also going to try to get some other things in place for her. Being with her "nephews" will be the greatest distraction of all we are sure. AND...she'll get to be here for Big Boys first day of 1st Grade.

Now I am home. Whooped puppy. Having a WONDERFUL conversation with an old high school buddy about our boys. Such a blessing. I'm headed to rest soon.

Goodnight Moon!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Burnt Toast?

I know, I know. It's been too long since I last sat down and spilled my heart but tonight in the quiet and darkness of my kitchen my heart is heavy and I need to let the words flow. Lately I have had a longing for something in my life and just could not pin point what it was. I have everything I need or so I thought. Tonight I realized what the missing peice is.

There are some changes happening in my life and for those of you who know me you know I HATE change. I don't just dislike it a little, I absolutely despise it..A big change will take place in the next 5 days and to be honest with you I am dreading it. I had kinda anticipated it happening for a while but when I was told that it was going to actually be reality I felt like I was left hanging, alone, confused and just not sure what would happen next (remember I hate surprises also). Messed up emotions that is for sure.
*everything is fine with my marriage, my children and my family. 

Fortunately in the last 20 something days I have learned a few things, despite my horrible, no good, very bad attitude.

1. I have learned that this change is taking place out of absolute obedience and for that I am grateful.
2. I am not alone. There are others that are directly involved as well and we will all figure this out together.
3. The next steps do not matter right now because God already has the blue prints finished.
4. Change is what it is and in order for good things to happen we have to be open minded and willing to let God lead us, change us, mold us, make us...even if we don't really like it. (This isn't easy for a person who is OCD and needs order and control in their life)

In saying all of this, tonight I discoverd the problem, my bad attitude, the missing puzzle peice; my faith is like burnt toast. It's not the change. It's unfortunate I know but it is the truth.

I am NOT faithless just burnt out and kindly hard hearted maybe even a little rough around the edges. It's my own fault...for sure. I have asked myself over and over tonight how I could ever let myself get to this point. Funny, God revealed himself and said let me tell you. He made himself known friends. He spelled things out through the scriptures like he was writing them in a book with my name on it. I know what is missing;

1. Self Care- this isn't new news (D go ahead and say I told you so) I need more sound sleep, to slow down A LOT, say NO more often.
2. Wholehearted times in prayer and in the scriptures- This has to be a priority and I know it.
3. Teaching and Worship
4. Others pouring fruit into my life- I get so busy "pouring fruit" into the lives of others that I don't realize that I am not allowing others to do the same. It's easier for me to give than it is to recieve.
5. More time and energy poured out on my family and fellowship with friends. 

I'm ok with being "brown bread" as Clark says but I don't want to be charred in apperance and disgusting in taste. I think God probably desires for me to be like the white bread fresh out of the oven with a little bit of color, holes that need to be filled with His love and goodness and a little butter just to add some extra flavor.

I feel like a new woman...I think!.

 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. Psalms 34:17