I know, I know. It's been too long since I last sat down and spilled my heart but tonight in the quiet and darkness of my kitchen my heart is heavy and I need to let the words flow. Lately I have had a longing for something in my life and just could not pin point what it was. I have everything I need or so I thought. Tonight I realized what the missing peice is.
There are some changes happening in my life and for those of you who know me you know I HATE change. I don't just dislike it a little, I absolutely despise it..A big change will take place in the next 5 days and to be honest with you I am dreading it. I had kinda anticipated it happening for a while but when I was told that it was going to actually be reality I felt like I was left hanging, alone, confused and just not sure what would happen next (remember I hate surprises also). Messed up emotions that is for sure.
*everything is fine with my marriage, my children and my family.
Fortunately in the last 20 something days I have learned a few things, despite my horrible, no good, very bad attitude.
1. I have learned that this change is taking place out of absolute obedience and for that I am grateful.
2. I am not alone. There are others that are directly involved as well and we will all figure this out together.
3. The next steps do not matter right now because God already has the blue prints finished.
4. Change is what it is and in order for good things to happen we have to be open minded and willing to let God lead us, change us, mold us, make us...even if we don't really like it. (This isn't easy for a person who is OCD and needs order and control in their life)
In saying all of this, tonight I discoverd the problem, my bad attitude, the missing puzzle peice; my faith is like burnt toast. It's not the change. It's unfortunate I know but it is the truth.
I am NOT faithless just burnt out and kindly hard hearted maybe even a little rough around the edges. It's my own fault...for sure. I have asked myself over and over tonight how I could ever let myself get to this point. Funny, God revealed himself and said let me tell you. He made himself known friends. He spelled things out through the scriptures like he was writing them in a book with my name on it. I know what is missing;
1. Self Care- this isn't new news (D go ahead and say I told you so) I need more sound sleep, to slow down A LOT, say NO more often.
2. Wholehearted times in prayer and in the scriptures- This has to be a priority and I know it.
3. Teaching and Worship
4. Others pouring fruit into my life- I get so busy "pouring fruit" into the lives of others that I don't realize that I am not allowing others to do the same. It's easier for me to give than it is to recieve.
5. More time and energy poured out on my family and fellowship with friends.
I'm ok with being "brown bread" as Clark says but I don't want to be charred in apperance and disgusting in taste. I think God probably desires for me to be like the white bread fresh out of the oven with a little bit of color, holes that need to be filled with His love and goodness and a little butter just to add some extra flavor.
I feel like a new woman...I think!.