Well..once again it feels as though I am fighting a battle that I myself can not win. Yes, I have battles of my own, but the battle I feel that I am fighting the most is one that actually belongs to Wesley. It's a very long drawn out story, but to keep it short its the church we are serving in. What is one suppose to do when the pastor has the need for control over ever staff memeber in the church? Wesley is currently the minster of music. His job description includes planning worship, leading worship and directing the choirs. Well it seems that the pastor finds it necessary to plan the services himself, assign specials and even try to lead along side of Wesley during the worship services. I was so annoyed on Sunday about the whole situation that I actually could not tell you what the pastor preached on. It was something about "I Want that Mountain." What made the whole situation even worse this past Sunday...Hurricane Dennis was making its way toward land, there was mandatory evacuations from all mobile homes (which we live in), roads were being closed and it was raining rather hard and the winds we rather fierce but....WE STILL HAD CHURCH when most everyone else cancelled. All in all, I am outright perturbed with the entire situation. I do realize that this does not in the context involve me at all, but in reality I believe that it does. At one point, I was married to a man whose main desire was to serve the Lord, but now that same man has grown weary and weak in that desire. I told him in the midst of the storm this Sunday that I truly believe that the Lord had me take "Change and Conflict Management" last semester for a reason. Dr. Coggins said over and over again, it is the older generation who do not like to change, and it is those same individuals who will say "thats not the way we used to do it." I just want someone to help me understand why aging people have to be so set in their traditions and their ways. How can we help them to swing out on a new limb? Ok, I am done fussin now. I think you all get my point. I don't like to fuss and complain, but I do desire to see my husband strong in his ministry and also to serve along side of him as he ministers. I know that I can not serve along side him with bitterness in my heart, frustration towards the church and towards the pastor himself.
When we were in Africa we taught on becoming a Prov. 31 woman. God instantly put a desire within my heart to strive in every area of my life to become more and more like her, but since I have been home I have found it more and more of a struggle. To hear the African women talk about the ways in which they strive on a daily bases to become a woman of excellence broke my heart. The suffering and persecution that one must face in order to serve the Lord is astounding, but yet they seem to find aways to serve the Lord, wholeheartedly despite their daily struggles. They never complain when they have to walk 4-10 miles to church. They never complain when they have to sit outside under a shade tree in the heat during bible study. They never complain when their children cry, need to be fed, or need their clothes changed. They never complain when they have to stop visiting with their peers to prepare a meal (which many go without) for their husbands and families. They never complain when they have to sleep in the dirt. Why can't I do that. I made excuses daily as to why I can't spend time with Lord. I make excuses daily for my attitude. I make excuses daily for my thoughts and my actions. I make excuses daily as to why I can't do this or I can't do that. And now I say without reservation, that all the excuses are not neccessary. Now, in the quietness of my home, I realize that the reason I am failing in my goal of becoming a woman of excellence is my attitude. Not only my attitude towards my relationship with the Lord, but my attitude towards life in general. I believe that if I would quit making excuses and just do it, the possibility of making a complete turn around may be possible. I
'm shutting up now. Since I've gotten all that off of my chest I reckon I can go to bed now. Please continue to pray for Wesley and the situation at the church where he serves and for the direction he should take. Be Blessed!
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